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Why do I wanna cry and die all the time

I'm still not fucking over it. I'm still not over losing the "amazing-to-me at the time" friends. I'm still not over him or losing him. The nothing that I had. I fucking think about both situations on a daily basis. I think about how I could've done things differently. I think about things I should've said instead.

Why!!!!! WHY CANT I FORGET AND MOVE ON. I can't even remember his face. I can't remember his laugh.

If only he had spoken to me one last time maybe I could've gotten some fucking closure instead of this constant feeling of my insides being ripped apart when I think of him. I'm so deeply regretful of my time with him.

If it weren't for him I still would've had those friends. I'd have more money saved and I damn well bet I'd be happier.

Now I know how his ex-girlfriend felt. I sincerely wish nothing but the worst for him and hope he doesn't come back in my life AGAIN.

I wish something good could please happen soon. It's been so long. I hope the next time I write in here things are better.



When it comes to environmentalism, and what really drove this post and my thoughts lately is this whole BPA and PVC issue humanity is now facing. Why is it so difficult for big business and political leaders to admit mistakes? I mean of course there's the easy answer of them being egotistical, greedy, money-hungry, oversexed bastards, sure! But I mean, it's not as if when they admit this fault out loud to the public their fortune is going to dwindle down to $0 immediately am I right? Which I imagine is there main concern(typically). Of course they and likely their families will be publicly humiliated for the rest of time, which I imagine could change if they each individually set their own path to show the world how genuine they could be. But if they would be honest with the public I think as a whole there can be a bit more understanding then not. Life is trial and error, America is still baby, we still may have time to save ourselves. Why can't they see that? Instead our lives, our future generations lives, and the planet are put completely at risk with no hope. I don't even know what I'm getting at but fucking A. Something needs to change drastically.
Damn. It's pretty weird reading my last couple of entries and having so much of that come to fruition in just a few months. I got a good ass job. I've grown so much just since then. So many chambers of my mind that I had closed off for too long are finally opening at a rapid pace(I'd like to thank mushrooms for a lot of that). I've surrounded myself with some inspiring ass/fun ass rowdy friends. We're doing cool shit. I'm in love with someone from my past, which had never fully worked out for selfish reasons but I think we're both on the same page right now. We'll see. Even if it didn't work out I'd be strong enough to keep on going as if it did. But I do love him, pretty much. Only time will tell. I'm understanding laws of attraction more and more as I go. I can envision my goals at least, I just need to trial and error the paths to get there. It's so cool. I'm becoming more clairvoyant which is freaking me out. I'm enlightened and illuminated. Namaste, mf. Til next time~~~~
You should only surround yourself with friends who want to empower you and make you want to be a better person. Sometimes I get lonely and have been quite a hermit over the past year but I am overall glad I gained the courage to cut out the people who did the opposite and made me feel shitty about myself, made me second guess myself, and talked badly of me behind my back. I guess that's what how you say...becoming an adult is all about.
It's such a creepy strange revelation when you grow up and realize certain family members are nothing how you imagined they would be. I'm specifically thinking of my grandmother. I had no idea growing up the severity of how hateful she is. Literally every day more than half of the things that come out of her mouth are complaints about something. Issues with her health, pain in her body, money problems—still holding on to this hope that she's gonna get "money" from her wrongful broken ankle "lawsuit" which happened years ago. I wouldn't doubt that the reason such awful things have happened to her in her life is because of all the negativity she's spewed out into the universe for so long. All the racist bigotry. All the pure hate. 100% negative hate. It's no wonder. The universe is gonna throw it right back at you tenfold. Sometimes I wonder how the hell we are even related. I have no choice but to love her...right?image
{Pictured: not my actual grandmother}

Happy alone and serious about it

I recently told a friend I haven't seen for a while how I am not seeing anyone and don't really want to, I think I'm asexual for now or something. He told me "don't worry you'll find someone" but I don't want to find anyone! I am content and excited to be happy alone, why is that so hard for some people to grasp? I am looking forward to focusing on myself, my goals, education, and ridding myself of as many unnecessary material posessions solely for the next 5 years. I want to save and save money so I can finally have enough to move to one of the cities I constantly dream about instead of just talking about and fantasizing about it. It's getting to be an embarrassment constantly saying "someday I want to live there"...I've been saying that for a decade now! So there's that.